nocturne in E, opus 62.

I'm so tired. last week was just crazy, with the assignment due and with so little time. i really need to learn to manage my time better. some days i feel like there's so much to do i just plough through the motions of doing everything i need to do without actually feeling very much for anything im doing. as a result, an entire weekend goes by and it feels so surreal because it doesn't actually feel like its happened- not a dream i'd like to hold dear to my heart, but neither a nightmare i'd wish so desperately to forget. it was just another weekend with errands to run, people to meet, and unfulfilled cravings.

no don't get me wrong. nothing of that sort. i've just really been craving barbequed ribs i don't know why. add to that mushrooms with plenty of butter and garlic, and a moist chocolate fudge cake with ice cream heaped on it. and i really want to shop, but there's just too much to buy and i'm trying to be frugal and to spend wisely, ie. buy things i see myself wanting to wear or use for the next five years and so i'll end up being fed up needing to decide between so many things and end up not buying much at all.

anyhow, the rushed assignment aside, the best thing that happened last week was meeting up with eunice to study at west coast macs- which wasn't much studying at all because we ended up talking and as we left, we saw the beautiful evening sun's rays illuminating from behind the clouds and it was just so lovely i had to take a picture. carry a camera wherever i go is useful that way. except when people whom i really want to take a photo with refuse incessantly. i shan't list names now. (:



the simple things in life.

so we adjourned to her place to supposedly continue with studying but barely got anything done again because we logged onto the internet and well, what do you know. we started blog surfing, and chanced upon useless but fun-while-it-lasted quizes like johari haha and before we knew it we were on a frenzy and my msn windows were popping up like poppies in spring. and we later also caught desperate housewives while munching on left over chinese new year cookies and i can't believe how laidback i was actually feeling considering i had a 13 page essay to hand up by friday noon. but it was good fun anyway. i love this girl. (:

and another highlight (or not) was watching oasis in concert on thursday night. yes it was crazy, needing to rush up my work and trying to enjoy the concert. but the performance was disappointing. and im not being biased here simply because i had an essay to complete; the performance felt so dull and liveless- read the review on Life. no showmanship, and it felt like they were here to perform because they simply had to. i thought the choice of songs was poor, besides old time favourites like champagne supernova, don't look back in anger, wonderwall, morning glory that were the saving grace for the night. and no they didn't swear at all, lorraine. (: but i don't think it had to do with censorship. i think they were just too lethargic to swear.



oasis



at the indoor stadium.

So. i guess i'm all rested for another busy week ahead though its not looking as busy as i thought it would've been. thursday's going to be long because the campaign against child sex tourism henceforth known as CACST will be at the NUS forum and the press will be down so hopefully it'll attract a crowd and we'll collect more signatures! afterwhich i've got a lecture, a project group meeting for a presentation, and then we'll be heading down to the law firm for another two hour long tutorial. and then its tennis after. boo. busy day.

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classical music makes me feel reclusive and its strange that way, especially listening to it at this time of the night. it provokes me into writing not just on my blog, but in my journal, which means spending more time doing everything but studying. it was stranger still talking to jeremy on the phone and starting to cry upon recounting an experience at tioman with a person i once loved very deeply.

i remember walking by the beach at night. it was pitch black. we sang to the carpenters in the inky darkness "why do stars fall down from the sky, everytime you walk by. just like me, they long to be, close to you..." and you later swung me off the ground and carried me while i struggled to get down and we both fell onto the sand laughing uncontrollably. we lay down and watched the stars and you told me that if we looked at a single star hard enough, the rest would gradually fade away.

i guess you were wrong. or somehow, we no longer shared the same piece of sky after you left.

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i really miss my friends overseas so much.

talking to gen though for a short while on the phone last night made me wish she were back here to talk endlessly and not have to worry about costs or time difference. talking to gabriel on msn last night made me realise how old friends are simply the best friends because he knows me through and through and i don't need to be anyone else but myself with him. because he understands. because he knows me as i am. talking to you for a brief ten minutes online made me so happy because i've missed you so much even though its only been a week. and not talking to jon for goodness knows how long- wow i feel like i'm missing out on so much that must be going for you now. mail me will you? or call me some time. and lorraine? babe i just miss the late night girl talk. so much to tell you.

i can't imagine not having all of you at my 21st. because if i had it my way, i'd spend it especially with the five of you individually. i want a plane ticket to the states, australia and london. :(

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enough of morose classical music. to constitutional law. sigh.

Scarlet Letters.

This close-companioned inarticulate hour
When two fold silence was the song of love.

My affections were more than halved, you said. And so I thought as well, and perhaps even believed it so then. I thought I knew the futility of any pursuit- passionate or otherwise - well what does one make out of three weeks anyway? And so I left the chambers unlocked, thinking I was steeled, and apparently, I wasn’t the only one thinking that. But all it took was time with you to tear the walls that I so created against the world. And I found myself once more star gazing and searching the illuminated sky for constellations that would map my heart’s destination. I never was quite the learned one, and so I leaned upon the quiet stirring that brought me to you and here I am tonight, yearning the secrecy of nightfall silence, and sparkling joy that sprung from midnight surprises.

You were never one to reveal the secrets of your heart, and I never dared ask because you wouldn’t tell and that would have hurt more. You were always a stranger to me that way. Though one night I did ask, as my searching mind overshadowed my weakening resolve to steer clear of such conversations. You hinted at nothing once more, but for good reason, and I understood such sensibilities. But being the person that I am, I soon grew to question which end of the scale your ambivalence was tipped towards, and I haven’t yet decided today. But there never is a point to knowing such truths because truths are amorphous- especially when it concerns the little elusive promptings that in part, guide our daily affairs.

My pocketwatch now tells me that you leave in less than an hour- not once did I imagine myself sending you off because I never could bear seeing you go. And so I close my eyes and remember your parting words be happy, be well.

I will, but it was always easier when you were near.

La Vie En Rose.

When you press me to your heart,
I'm in a world apart.
A world where roses bloom.

And when you speak,
angels fly from above.
Everyday words seem to turn
into love songs.

-

I spent most of Valentine’s yesterday at school, from eleven in the morning to half past eight at night working on a campaign against child sex tourism. It’s been extremely fulfilling despite the long hours and I’ve missed the intense exhilaration of doing something you really love and wanting to see something done perfectly, best to your team’s capacity. Reminded me of the halcyon debate days- long hours into the night past school hours preparing for a motion, drafting, practicing, taking short team breaks and having a good laugh about almost everything and anything amidst the work stress and deadlines.

So the exhibition’s up and running at the different libraries in school- go sign your names in the little book to petition against child sex tourism NOW! (: your little effort will go a long way in helping to combat child sex tourism in south east asia!

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I was extremely gleeful and cheery the whole of yesterday- I really did feel the Love in campus- was talking to various couples in law school over msn at lectures, and it was sweet just listening to people talk about their v-day plans and gifts that they prepared. My best friend in law school was also especially zany yesterday and that really perked me up- coffee high, he says. Of course, there were the typical booths selling roses and cookies along corridors that reminded me of college- which made me smile, the sms wishes through the day and a bumbling surprise plan for the night ahead that kept me well stocked for the festive cheer and glow. (:

I headed down town to prepare for the surprise after school, but was pleasantly surprised when I got home instead- my dad bought me a pretty pink rose! For the first time! that made me a very, very happy girl. My really sweet neighbour also twisted me a balloon- and so I got another flower, with a really sweet note attached to it. (:

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A million roses bloomed in my heart when I saw you smile as you tore open each gift and laughed after reading the notes attached. Knackered as I am right now, the memory of a perfect night stirs such warmth I can’t help but smile as I replay the events that will soon fade into yet another distant yesteryear diary entry. If only our hearts had such a capacity to keep these tender moments in a little television box; to press the rewind button at will, and be transported to that exact moment in time where fanciful fairies wave their little wands and the magic in every diamond star enraptures you once more.

-

My only regret yesterday was not being able to have dinner with eunice. Must catch up soon darling. (:

And one last shout out- Happy 21st Cherie Toh! (:

Where is the moment we need at the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

Today was a horrible day because:

1) I set the alarm at 11am but it was actually switched off, so I didn’t wake till half past twelve and had to rush to get to james' surprise birthday party at 1pm. And I had to go empty handed because I was planning on getting his gift and writing his card before the party.

2) I got into my car hurriedly, reversed even more quickly, and WHAM. There goes my number plate. My brand new one-month old car! UGH.

3) 5 minutes after i set off, i received a call from Joshua. He told me that out of the seven people invited, D (one of the exes) will be present at the party later.

4) I travelled to Jelita, missed the turn and had to make another huge U-turn.

5) The moment I got there, I saw D standing outside the gate. So I stayed in my car till i saw him go in. (yes we're not on talking terms)

6) The party ended close to six and I headed to town to fetch the tops I reserved. After I was done, I returned to my car only to find a lizard IN my car (like how in the world did it get in?! and the uncanny thing was that there was a huge iguana at cherie’s birthday party last night) . I HATE LIZARDS. Give me cockroaches, anything BUT lizards. Ok so maybe I’m more afraid of snakes. But anyway. I took a very long time to muster all courage left in me to flick the lizard off the door.

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I’m thoroughly exhausted. I really, really am. I’ve attended seven 21st birthday parties since the start of this year- my bank account is suffering as a result; and amongst all that, I’m trying to juggle- school work, projects, pro-bono meetings, giving piano lessons, taking piano lessons, tennis, and church commitments.

I NEED TO REST FOR AWHILE.

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All that aside, my weekend has been rather fun as a whole. The highlights included spontaneously having supper with Jeremy at jalan kayu Friday night, shopping with Daniel on Saturday, thereafter heading down to Cherie’s with Josh after a very hectic day (and the drive down was just HILARIOUS because of Josh’s jokes ;p), meeting Jon Pflug at the party, meeting M after (I’m so going to miss you when you go), and well of course a successful surprise party is always a joy.
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Nap time now. And hopefully I’ll be meeting Gen for supper later. (:

Super text twist.

Unravel the word of the day:

A E T V I N L E S N

It’s that time of the year again- full-bloomed scarlet roses aplenty, a heart shaped tin with assorted chocolate chip cookies, dinner for two, an exaltation of affections, and maybe a tiny green box wrapped in pearl white ribbons?

It’s been awhile since I spent that day proper with someone special, okay so maybe 2 years isn’t a long while, but it’s still a considerable measure of time isn’t it? I love how such festivities are hyped, really. And no, I don’t quite believe in that aphorism (or not) that everyday is valentine’s because it never really is so. So better a day set aside than none at all.

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I’ve started thinking about what I want in a partner again. And besides the three fundamentals- God fearing, family oriented, and sincerity, what I really want is someone whom I can learn from- so he’s going to have to be smarter, faster, wiser, and well maybe older. I love feeling like the guy’s in control- and that I can trust him with that control. I love feeling like the slightly lesser half, and I want him to teach me something new everyday- be it a new word, a new song, or something about him that I don’t already know. And most of all, I really want humour in a relationship. A guy who can make me laugh- ah he’s halfway there as it is.(:

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It’s funny how certain things become apparent only after so long; these little daily epiphanies are starting to get fun.

the ship that never sinks.

There are different kinds of friends who make you feel different things at different points in your life- this difference probably created categories like best friends, good friends, acquaintances- those we used to scribble in autograph books in primary school, or even in secondary school. it's like an honour roll in a way, and such proclaimations probably instilled much camaraderie, pride, and warmth in the lucky named ones. at least, i remembered being very pleased writing, "Best friends: x,y,z", and later seeing in x's autograph book that y wrote, "Best friends: (my name), x, z".

But as we grow older, these catergories begin to fade- friends from all walks of life come together and you experience different degrees of intimacy at different seasons in your life. These are what people often coin friends who come and go. in other words, ephemeral friendships.

I think we recognise who those are quite instinctively with age, but today, i want to write about the other group- the one you find yourself scrawling friends forever at the back of a christmas card and pausing in careful contemplation for a bit after- savouring the fond memories, and later sealing the envelope with a promise- with forever etched in your heart.

These are the friends who pull you through the tough times- make you laugh when you feel like crying, make time to hear you out, check in on you as often as they can, who stand up for you when a jerk gets in your way, unveil your eyes when blinded by emotion, encourage you, motivate you, watch your back, stay up at godforsaken hours just to talk to you when they usually sleep no later than one in the mornings, tell you things you don't quite want to hear- because the truth sometimes hurts. These are also the same friends whom you sometimes don't turn to- because there can only be so many people there for you at any one point- but you know they wouldn't close their door on you if you did. These are also the same friends who instantly put a smile on your face- when they share silly stories, when they ask queer questions like, "are we going to do the void deck thing again?", when you still play with your stuffed toys together in your bedroom on an all nighter, when they call you close to midnight and tell you that they are back in singapore and you drive over immediately to see them and your heart soars when you do...

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I love my friends, i really really do. in many ways, friends are quite like guardian angels. but i also want to remember who first blessed me with these angels- and last night, i was reminded in my sudden bout of vulnerability that the one person i must still continually look toward and put my hope and trust in is God alone. because if i did it any other way, i would then be making the very same mistake- making a single person/groups of people my world. and if and when they do leave, my world will come crashing down on me, again.

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and i am reminded of this old song i used to sing in church, haven't heard it for awhile now.

turn your eyes upon Jesus
look full in his wonderful face
and the things of this world will grow strangely dim
in the light of his glory and grace.

Genesis.

It took me a long time to decide on this blog address- authentic beauty. Let me now share how i came to this- a dear friend who's been a wonderful blessing in my life handed me a book entitled as such just last night, and i started on it three hours ago and found myself not being able to stop, even though i knew that work was piling steadily- a result of me not having been able to do work at all over the last two weeks because of what had happened prior this new blog. This book reveals how today's culture has stripped us (girls) of our childhood dream- of finding our prince; and how we can free ourselves from these destructive influences to finally experience the passion and intimacy that we long for, in God.

I was crying by the twelfth page of the book, as she shared how she frantically tried to win her (then) boyfriend back- she tried everything possible, giving away everything she had. I related to that desperation, that hopelessness, desolation, and brokenness. This book isn't quite like other books i've read; it doesn't expound on theoretical discussions of what a "healthy and god centered relationship ought to be", neither does it extol the virtues of singlehood relentlessly. Instead, what moved me was how personal and sincere the author's writing was.

When i finally decided to stop writing in the old blog, i knew that i wanted my new blog address to serve as a consistent reminder and encouragement to this new phase of my life; i wanted something to wholistically describe my new goal for this season in time, and i was finally inspired by this book, a very timely gift indeed. God leaves no room for coincidences, mind you. And so this is it- a renewal of my priorities and goals, a renewal of my dreams and hopes.

My aim for this new season in my life is to pursue this authentic beauty- one that seeks God's heart continually, and to set myself apart- from what the world sees as beautiful.

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That being said, this transition will be a difficult one- after having thrown all caution to the wind since i was seventeen. The last relationship really broke me down, due to my own folly, myopia and disobedience of course- there's nothing worse than giving everything to that person, being betrayed twice over, and realising after that you've been used. But i've been picking myself up steadily, with God's grace and provision- He knows my every need- and i've been blessed with genuine supportive friends to tide me through this rough time. I see God's love in every little bit of their support and help, and am extremely thankful for everyone of you: eunice, jeremy, tousif, josh, gen, shoumin, daniel, cherie, lorraine, gabriel, enzheng, jon, mich, yongfu.

So. It's time to continue picking up the pieces, and i'd really like to start by clearing overdue readings right now (: