Morning miasma.

This year has seen me retreating so many times, into this little space, where its just me and God. Heartbreak can be quite a blessing in disguise sometimes. Or maybe, it’s the only way I’ve ever known God to be closely involved in my life – whenever I need that elusive shoulder, that embrace, someone to hold me when I cry.

I’ve cried too much this year. and I know I can be strong when I want to- sometimes it doesn’t even require a conscious will, because heartache drives one into reclusion, hibernation; and when that happens enough, you learn not to care, not to feel, not to love.

When I was a young girl, I dreamt of a garden wedding, a heart shaped cake, champagne, and a bouquet of white roses. How dreams change then, because I can’t see that remotely happening at all. Or maybe I won’t allow it. don’t even talk to me about hope; don’t tell me about the right person, because its always a choice. And I choose now not to go down that aisle.

Give your heart away so many times, all for what? Don’t talk to me about experience, because I could do without it all. Its what makes you? I think I would’ve been so much happier a girl if I didn’t go through with the decisions I made in the past seven years. But no room for regrets now. We can only learn to move from hereon.

I make this promise- never again (because you’ve always disliked that word).

What lies in the future is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune as it falls
There may come a time when I will see that I’ve been wrong
But for now this is my song
And it’s goodbye to love