Ten things i hate about you.

I hate the way you talk to me,
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots,
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way your always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate the way you make me laugh,
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when your not around,
And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,
Not even close,
Not even a little bit,
Not even at all.

Morning miasma.

This year has seen me retreating so many times, into this little space, where its just me and God. Heartbreak can be quite a blessing in disguise sometimes. Or maybe, it’s the only way I’ve ever known God to be closely involved in my life – whenever I need that elusive shoulder, that embrace, someone to hold me when I cry.

I’ve cried too much this year. and I know I can be strong when I want to- sometimes it doesn’t even require a conscious will, because heartache drives one into reclusion, hibernation; and when that happens enough, you learn not to care, not to feel, not to love.

When I was a young girl, I dreamt of a garden wedding, a heart shaped cake, champagne, and a bouquet of white roses. How dreams change then, because I can’t see that remotely happening at all. Or maybe I won’t allow it. don’t even talk to me about hope; don’t tell me about the right person, because its always a choice. And I choose now not to go down that aisle.

Give your heart away so many times, all for what? Don’t talk to me about experience, because I could do without it all. Its what makes you? I think I would’ve been so much happier a girl if I didn’t go through with the decisions I made in the past seven years. But no room for regrets now. We can only learn to move from hereon.

I make this promise- never again (because you’ve always disliked that word).

What lies in the future is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune as it falls
There may come a time when I will see that I’ve been wrong
But for now this is my song
And it’s goodbye to love

i wanted to blog about last weekend because it was a pretty eventful one, but there's more on my mind now so i'll just sum it up quickly: Was a famishedFriday night, how's that for alliteration, so i met daniel for dim sum- for the 600th time, because thats all we ever eat whenever we meet up- dim sum fans! tried this unbelievably yummilicious custard bao that i'm craving at the moment so no guesses where i'll be dinnering this weekend. met eunice after, supposedly for a short chat which as usual, lasted for hours because its always so much fun with this girl. love you, hon. Saturday morning was spent tuitioning again, and i had a delightful conversation about pornography with my student who was so bashful about it. we've been discussing civil liberties by the way, thats why the topic. then church in the afternoon, and night with an old friend and i tried sheesha for the first time at this gorgeous place-lovely ambience but food was not so yummy, and neither was sheesha. experience as a whole? it was grainy and made my throat extremely dry. i coughed a whole lot. not very pleasant at all. Sunday was spent sleeping in and then i caught Underworld with daddy and that was nice, though having to sit through the love making scene with my dad next to me felt a little odd. but good show nonetheless; i've always loved vampires. thereafter i attended a cousin's wedding and that made me feel all morose and melancholic. but let's not go there now.

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weekend summed up. now earlier this week, i met up with one of my favourite boys after not seeing him for more than a month. let's call him mr bling bling cos he loves the bling ;) been feeling under the weather lately, but seeing him just really brightened up my day. we went down to jerome's to surprise him since he wasn't doing anything for his 21st, and it was nice, the three of us after so long. but it felt a little odd because i don't usually meet them both together, the conversation's diffferent that way. but anyway the birthday boy was tired and so mr bling and i hung out a bit more at a coffee shop (a not so nearby one) and it was comfy, fun and satisfying- my meegoreng with egg craving being satisfied, both of us guzzling down our teh tariks, and good company. you know how some people just really make you smile and you feel yourself glowing when you're with them? its like that with you baby. love you, and glad we can now spend more time cos someone's got his pink ic back! :D

one of the more memorable parts of our conversation was both of us agreeing that we shouldn't take crap from people anymore and how we're better able to do that with age. its such a necessary skill in life, really. i think i've changed, somewhat, through time. i'm still me, but a little more brusque, a little more indifferent. though all these aside still very sentimental yes. but if you're not going to be too nice to me, i'm not going to try to earn your niceness or be too bothered by it. not going to let you get me down no more.

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i never thought that a simple exchange through text messages could be so heartwarming, but this week showed me how, and it even made me cry. josh, you'll always be my pillar, and my girlfriend. (: *hugs*

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lastly, if you're one for alliteration, do watch V for Vendetta. brilliant movie i thought! and don't count on the trailer, undermines the movie by focusing so much on the gun shooting and action filled scenes. its inspiring. go watch!

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you know vulnerability (because sin just wrote about it), is really dangerous. i used to think that love meant putting your heart out on the line, throwing all caution to the wind, exposing all that you are, all that you have- and you must be prepared to give all that you can- and it's always mine to give, whether or not the person returns those affections. but on hindsight, its really stupid. because playing with fire burns. and thats what love is- a ceaseless fire.

i've been burnt so many times its not even funny anymore. but to be fair, i've broken some hearts as well. not pointing fingers at all, that isn't my point. thing is, love is very very dangerous. minefield almost, baby. some people get scarred for life, i can't imagine how, but they do. thankfully i've a very supportive family, and wonderful friends. but you can't always go running to these people whenever you choose to recklessly give your heart away. its not fair that way either.

in truth, at this point in my life, i'm rather relationship-phobic. mask it in whatever way i wish- men suck, i want to be independent, etc. i'm just afraid. doesn't mean i don't want it. i do, so bad. but at this point, i'm putting my heart in a vault for awhile, and my bank teller up there's going to be watching it close.

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i know i haven't added a religious slant to my posts in awhile, and i've come to realise that its really difficult to, because so much thats been impressed on my heart is so personal. bringing in that dimension would require ploughing through previous bad experiences and putting them down here.

but one thing i do want to share is an epiphany this week, while i was doing my quiet time. read dorian gray? you know just how much that book impacted my life when i read that in college? i felt almost transformed- in a bad way- because i found myself agreeing with so much of what Lord Henry had to say. it's all very worldly thoughts, and much truth lies in his words (ooh oxymoron). for example, one of the most famous lines from the book that i will always remember is this- yield to temptation. resist it and your soul grows sick with longing. forgive me if i've quoted it wrong, too lazy to flip through it now. and if you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. and we often feel like we can quit whatever we've started on whenever we want to and its okay. but its not. because it never really is that easy. and what might happen eventually is that you soon become a slave to it. i realise im being very vague here, and obviously in my mind i'm thinking something in particular. but i can't bring myself to write it here, and so i shan't.

so anyway. point here is this. if ever you get tempted, its better to resist it, because resist it once and you'll find it easier to resist it the next time. once you start giving in, there's no knowing when you'll stop. i realise im generalising here, and different temptations have an effect to different degrees. but it gets more difficult the bigger the temptation is. so. moral of the story. don't start.

i'm sure dear dorian would agree.

you don’t miss your water.

I was looking in the drawer filled with old letters, cards and all my journals. Some of these letters date back to 1994. I was looking for a particular card given to me because in it contained a very beautiful but cryptic poem, once written for me. It wasn’t for nostalgia’s sakes that I started searching; I merely wanted a re-read of the poem because I always thought it lovely. Instead, I found a huge black plastic bag containing all your old letters, cards, photos, receipts, concert tickets. Four things in particular made me cry.

One. My 19th birthday card. It wrote, When I met you, I had no idea how much my life was about to be changed… but then, how could I have known? A love like ours happens once in a lifetime. It does, it always will. To date, there is no other memory that leaves me with a feeling so bittersweet, that brings me to tears almost instantly, and breaks my heart upon realizing that perhaps, our time has come and gone.

Two. An eight- page letter that you wrote me on our 6th month anniversary. You listed almost every special experience we shared together- our first hair dying session, you teaching me to ice skate, you teaching me to play pool, our resort holiday, your birthday, runway cycling, etc. it was overwhelming re-reading those. Because I never thought I could remember everything this clearly.

Three. A day-to -day analysis of our activities in the month of march. That was even more overwhelming because it was almost like a daily journaling of everything we did- from details to what we quarreled about, to what time we met for macs breakfast, to what time you left to tuition your kids, and bigger things like the stayover at your place. You know what astounded me the most? We met every single day in that month from the 12th onwards.

Four. A poem you wrote in may. Reading it now, I’m not sure if I was meant to have this. I can’t imagine why you would want me to keep something as sad as this. But the poem ended with this, Wonder if I can give her enough/ thinking: who’s the next boy that she will love. You signed off at 8.18pm.

I think every girl remembers two loves in her life with much poignancy- her first puppy love; most if not all of those memories feel distant and detached now, but extremely happy and innocuous nonetheless, because one could deal with pain without too many buckets of tears shed at such a tender age when our attention was easily diverted to frivolous little things. And second, her first true love- one defined by intensity, passion, romance, idealism, fear of loss, possession, “super duo needing no one but themselves”, and eventually a deep heartache caused by its loss.

You don’t miss your water till the well runs dry. You’ve always loved that song.

reticence and detachment

because i have to. because you're you. just because. no more dreaming, no more big plans, let's keep it real baby.

somewhere i have never travelled.

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

--e.e.cummings

-

Intermittent flows of conversation bring cheer to my heart in the barrenness of early Spring. How I await the possibility of an adventure of a lifetime this summer: you.

friends, fun, and fatigue.

the weekend's been fairly entertaning though tiring. thing is, these days, if i try sleeping for anything more than eight hours, i start getting a headache. i think thats my body telling me its getting used to very very little sleep, or irregular disrupted sleep. like saturday, i slept three hours because i couldn't sleep the night before, and had to wake for tuition at eight. i think tuition early on saturday morning's just a bad idea. it makes my day feel interminably long. by the end of saturday, tuition in the morning felt like a distant memory, like it happened the day before.

but saturday was a good day nonetheless. tuition was enjoyable because the kid's just so motivated and so willing to learn. add to that he's really innocent and "conventional" as he so says, its interesting that way. i don't remember being that innocent at seventeen, but maybe i was. my memory fails me too often. anyway, i met Liz for lunch after and it was incredible. endless streams of conversation about romance, relationships, love, infidellity, money, work, literature, mutual friends, old memories, how much we've both changed, just made me feel like we've all really grown up in some way or another. it was cathartic talking to liz because i think we both understood each other very well, having shared similar experiences. we're quite alike in so many ways and its nice to know that you're still close even though you haven't seen each other for awhile.

so. i shopped some by myself after and i realise what a prudent shopper i've become! i was at zara for some one half hours and probably tried on twenty pieces of clothing- i stood in the changing room queue four times, and max number of pieces you can try on is five, so it kinda works out. but yeah i ended up only buying one top and im pleased with myself. (: went back extremely tired and napped before meeting josh for supper. meeting josh is so relaxing because i don't feel the pressure to need to talk all the time. comfortable silence is good. plus, i never need to dress up with josh and thats great because i love being totally comfortable and sloppy and all ready to go to bed without needing to spend too much time getting the make up off, washing my contacts, etc. you make me happy dear (:

sunday was great because i slept in till two, and headed down town to meet my folks to shop! shopping with the family is always fruitful. like my dad said today, i had better take advantage of him being around while i can. ie. buy as much as i can! haha. and so i did. shan't tell you how much i spent today because its ridiculous, BUT, i do want to talk briefly about this lovely pair of shoes i got from nine west today. its rather formal, heels aren't too high, and its a gorgeous shade of deep purple. what i love most about it is its texture- suede with tinges of satin. am extremely pleased. (: almost bought another bright green pair of heels to match this top i bought but my conscience prevailed and so i didnt!

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thats my weekend update. i'm not too fond of expounding on my daily escapades, but this is purely for the benefit of my friends overseas whom i can't update regularly. so there you go. (:

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the benefit of hindsight is rationality, and for this i am extremely grateful. better i realise some things now than never at all.

i wish i could be more transparent on this blog, but i simply can't. secrets are necessary sometimes. and its better not to shoot your mouth off lest you regret it. somethings are better left unsaid, and again, i'll let time decide the answers to my questions.

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that said, i'm really glad someone's back in town after a month's hiatus. or rather, slogging it out before you ord soon soon soon! you know who you are! love you dear, can't wait to see you soon. gotta start planning for our bangkok trip! (:

yesterday once more.

When they get to the part
Where he’s breakin’ her heart
It can really make me cry
Just like before
It’s yesterday once more

Lookin’ back on how it was
In years gone by
And the good times that I had
Makes today seem rather sad
So much has changed

It was songs of love that
I would sing to then
And I’d memorize each word
Those old melodies
Still sound so good to me
As they melt the years away

All my best memories
Come back clearly to me
Some can even make me cry
Just like before
It’s yesterday once more

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rainy days and mondays always get me down. but it was neither rainy nor monday today. made maudlin by the carpenters, i wrote my heart out while thinking of everything that has passed me by. i remember goodbye to love, my theme song while i was in college. i remember we've only just begun, sung to me on valentine's when i was 18. was i always so sentimental? someone dear once told me that there is so much more to life than Love. that i can fully agree with, but i can't seem to steel myself from it. and i don't just mean romantic love. any kind of love. i hate using this word so frequently and so loosely; it seems to somewhat lessen its value that way. but i've always triumphed love as the greatest entity in life.

its priceless. its happy, sad and bittersweet altogether. its fluff that always is a joy to watch in the movies. its a flower a day, a box of chocolates, a peck on the cheek. its heartache and uncontrolled tears. its serendipity. its a hug when you need it the most, even if its a virtual hug. its when our fingertips touch. its a surprise gift from a friend- because she knows you've always wanted it. its the glow on your face on valentine's, its a tune played by a loved one, a song sung even if its out of tune; its the flush on your cheeks after a workout together, its written in the wind even when you say nothing at all. its a yearning when lovers part, its a poem, a letter, a burning candle in the cold.

its everything i've lived for and lived by.

to borrow a quote from shakespeare in love that i once scribbled on the old blog- i shall have nothing in life but love.

all this, written as photographs of love flash in my head. but just before this, i wrote with complete lucidity in my journal that i shall never be given to love this way again. love is really, everything and anything we wish it to be. there's still so much of what i used to be in me, especially when i've always been a romantic that way.

but some things have to change. and it will. i'll give it time, it always does the trick.