Been while since I wrote here because I’ve been writing in my diary. Technology will never replace pen and paper. In my diary, I stick old movie stubs, wilted petals from a special bouquet, even old receipts. You can’t do that on an online diary. Most of all, this ‘delete’ button allows for alteration of thoughts, sentences, choice of words… and journal writing is meant to be cathartic, spontaneous, audacious, unabashed, bold; its not supposed to be self conscious and afraid. And this is where I put a caveat to my previous statement- I’m not referring to what ought to be a universal spirit to journal writing, I’m talking about my idealized notions of the spirit behind my writing.

On my old blog, i was largely inspired by themes of love, loss, and longing. But I’ve been feeling as liveless and dead as a fish, and its difficult to write passionately when I feel no passion for most things of late. Something… someone… somehow, put the flame out, and I’m trying so hard to stay afloat- ie. talk to people enthusiastically, be engaging, interesting, chatty, and conversational.

Remember Louisa Gradgrind from Hard Times, Charles Dickens? I’ve been feeling a little like her.

I know why, I know the circumstances, and I know the regrets perfectly. I shan’t lament here, because it doesn’t change anything. I’m trying to make the best of what I have- taking up projects, busying myself with commitments in school, and hopefully, all that will come to something- a sense of satisfaction, fulfillment perhaps. But for now, it’s difficult looking forward to a particular something because.

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I told my best friend last night on an hour-long phone conversation that I really want to travel come June. But everything’s so tentative because something’s cropped up with the people I meant to visit, and everyone seems to be rather busy with commitments over there, and I don’t know if I’d meet my objective of travelling halfway round the world- to spend enough time with the people I love there.

Last night’s conversation was priceless. Best I’ve had this week, and it makes me feel warm and snug knowing that the geographical distance doesn’t translate to a rift in our friendship. (:

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my grandma bought your favourite kueh today,
no thanks I don’t like it is what I’d usually say
(even when I haven’t even given it a try) always so quick to say no way.

But perhaps its time to give it a go
Just so that I would know
Why you’ve always loved it so

Only then maybe
I’d finally be able to see
What you’ve been trying (all along) to tell me.

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So many times I found myself clicking on the ‘compose mail’ button and stopping after the beginning hey because I don’t quite know what to say, how to say it, and it’s difficult that way, knowing that you might be mad at me (were you?). I wanted to tell you about my dreams, queer ones I’ve had in the past week, but most of all, the one with you in it: you wrote me to tell me that you were engaged in NC and I was shocked beyond words. But I was happy for you. And when I woke, I knew I’ve come to accept all that could be but never can be if you want it this way, but our friendship’s so much more than that to me, so I wish you well, and I hope you’ve been good. Would love to talk to you soon because I’ve missed hearing you, but I don’t have your new number. So if you’re reading this, do drop me a line, and we could work things out from there.

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Yes, I’m rather fond of these mega long entries instead of the little short and frequent ones. Quite characteristic of me, that’s why work’s piled up and instead of the weekly readings I now have a huge stack of many weeks’ worth of readings to catch up on.

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i caught a few great movies over the two weeks- transamerica was awesome, rent was really moving, and russian dolls, was thought provoking. for some reason, ever since the debate on whether homosexuals should be allowed into government positions, i've been very much more passionate about advocating equal gay rights. i was reading article 12 of Singapore's constitution, which reads "shall be no discrimnation against citizens of Singapore on the ground only of religion, race, descent or place of birth..." and my first thought was- there should be an inclusion of "sex" and "sexual orientation" in there.

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anyway. i'll round up this post with two highlights over the past two weeks.



'traditional' post concert shot, as meiling coins it. was so much fun emceeing for the event, however bad the noah's ark jokes were. grin



one of my favourite people (at least im not putting up the picture of your favourite plate haha!) ; working hard at the broccoli



so that we could have a nice picnic like this. (: and the chicken actually tastes alot better than it looks.