of loss and life.

"Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need."

I don't know how to ask this of you- to be warm, kind, loving, gentle, sweet; to be there, just like you are for your friends. i don't know how to tell you that it hurts reading the mail because i'd rather you not have written than to sound so cold and distant. i don't know how to tell you that i really need you at this point in my life because i've never felt this directioness and aimless- with three months ahead of me but nothing to work towards, nothing that i want. i don't know how to tell you that i like talking to you, because you make me smile, you've always had. i don't know how to tell you that it sometimes hurts when you talk about her but i'd rather hear from you than to be uninvolved in your life completely. i don't know how to tell you that i really care and that i've always wanted the best for you. i don't know how to express my sense of loss- after everything, everything we've shared, that you'd rather forget- because i never will.

But i do know that if losing you completely even as a friend means happiness for you and security for her, i will.

-

One of the hardest things to do in life is to let go- be it a special someone, love, friendship, goals, dreams, and ideals. But this year has seen me through alot of that. The interview today went alright, and i've been offered a place. but somehow, instead of feeling the elation of being able to sit in on two big trials next month, i felt extremely unhappy and uneasy. maybe it was the way he looked at me as i told him why i wanted to do law- i told him i wouldn't be able to do anything that wasn't fulfilling; i told him that i really wanted to make a difference and to help people. this semester, for the first time at school, i felt like i really wanted to do law, and i felt like i finally understood why im here. The various avenues and opportunities made available for me to make a difference further affirmed my sense of purpose and for once, my heart was on fire.

But he looked at me, and all he said was- thats always a good way to start out. We talked further, of the elections and politics in general, and i told him of my dream- of being a part in changing the landscape in singapore. more specifically, the laws. He laughed; idealism of a youth, he said. and then i asked him, "do you like what you do?" and he replied, "it's not a question of what i like, its a living."

i know, its true. bread and butter issues. but i just can't understand how people can work so lifelessly, and without heart, all their lives, six days a week, and not feel like crap. maybe its impossible to retain an everlasting passion in something; after all, work isn't supposed to our life. and im scared- to lose the fire. already, with every passing year, it takes so much more to light my eyes and to smile that gleeful wide smile that so many of my friends find rather characteristic of me.

how? i don't know. maybe ten years down the road i'll re-read this and nod in understanding, or shake my head in disbelief thinking-how could i have been so silly then?

-

Later in the night, despite my fatigue after having given tuition and piano lessons, i met up with two friends for supper. i was supposed to join them at a rally but because it was pouring i decided to give it a miss. but i met them for supper anyhow, and we talked about the elections. more specifically, we talked about our beliefs and old ideals. one of them said that he's learnt to rationalise his pragmatism so well that its scary- to be conditioned like this. and i couldn't agree more.

Youth or adult to be, in a matter of days, i hope never to lose this idealism and passion. i hope for experience never to water down this innate burning, the surest belief- in the human spirit and the human heart. because sometimes, and more often than not, goodness, kindness, love, and freedom can make all the difference in the world.

and the way i see it, there's room for much change today. we don't need superman; we just need people who will.

Cold Water
Damien Rice

Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?

Love one's daughter
Allow me that
And I can't let go of your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?

Butterfly
Mariah Carey

When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly, I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand, to hold you must open up my hands
And watch you rise

I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You've given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me
When you're ready to land

I can't pretend these tears
Aren't over flowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

easter friday

marks my anniversary at church of our saviour. it brings back many memories because it was last easter that i visited coos with W and i remember going for kaya toast breakfast (at 8am in the morning, gosh how did i ever manage that in the past?) before service. amazing. because so much has changed since and you'd think with change i'd be alot different but the nett result is only you becoming a little bit more of something from before a particular incident. the something is usually along the lines of... guarded, cynical, reclusive, and as a result, probably more desensitised to bad fortune, consequences of bad decisions, and generally more resigned.

everyday, im still learning to let go of the little things that burden me but ought not to; the memories that sting; to draw on the courage that grows with every right step i take to take more right steps; and most of all, to acknowledge that i really can't do it without Him.

and im thankful for many people, because as you so rightly said the other night dear, God shows His love through people. i'm really thankful for that short session of bible study/prayer despite the distance and however unprepared i was; i felt peace for the first time all week, and especially since the week was wrought with much frustration so much so that i had to either run/tennis everyday, i felt especially uplifted and for that i was grateful.

frankly, it's not easy to love life, but then again, who said i was supposed to?

this everyday awareness that not much makes me truly happy anymore just serves to remind me of why i'm here. i need to remember that, everyday.

Winter has arrived.
My hands and feet are
sore and numb from the
blistering winds.

No angels in sight;
the snow is too thick, and the
cold too brutal for
outdoor fun.

I put on several coats to keep
warm;
the gales have put out the
fire. I need

more layers to keep
warm-
i've neither coal nor
firewood left.

I see someone from a distance-
His red velvet coat is a stark
contrast to
the unblemished snow. He

offers firewood in exchange for
one coat.
I wonder if
such a trade is worth my while:

What if I discover the
inferiority of the firewood after
stripping a
layer off myself

What if he withdraws his
offer upon receiving
my coat?
(for there is never a moment of singular fair and precise exchange).

I forget this.
What happens when the firewood burns out as
always
they do?

My coat is for life.
Layers work best.

The exchange will not do.

Though so many times an unfair bargain may prove tempting:
Fire does not bring just
warmth but light
At night.

Will the moon not suffice?
Will the stars not shine?
More than enough,
Though this season be rough.

Been while since I wrote here because I’ve been writing in my diary. Technology will never replace pen and paper. In my diary, I stick old movie stubs, wilted petals from a special bouquet, even old receipts. You can’t do that on an online diary. Most of all, this ‘delete’ button allows for alteration of thoughts, sentences, choice of words… and journal writing is meant to be cathartic, spontaneous, audacious, unabashed, bold; its not supposed to be self conscious and afraid. And this is where I put a caveat to my previous statement- I’m not referring to what ought to be a universal spirit to journal writing, I’m talking about my idealized notions of the spirit behind my writing.

On my old blog, i was largely inspired by themes of love, loss, and longing. But I’ve been feeling as liveless and dead as a fish, and its difficult to write passionately when I feel no passion for most things of late. Something… someone… somehow, put the flame out, and I’m trying so hard to stay afloat- ie. talk to people enthusiastically, be engaging, interesting, chatty, and conversational.

Remember Louisa Gradgrind from Hard Times, Charles Dickens? I’ve been feeling a little like her.

I know why, I know the circumstances, and I know the regrets perfectly. I shan’t lament here, because it doesn’t change anything. I’m trying to make the best of what I have- taking up projects, busying myself with commitments in school, and hopefully, all that will come to something- a sense of satisfaction, fulfillment perhaps. But for now, it’s difficult looking forward to a particular something because.

-

I told my best friend last night on an hour-long phone conversation that I really want to travel come June. But everything’s so tentative because something’s cropped up with the people I meant to visit, and everyone seems to be rather busy with commitments over there, and I don’t know if I’d meet my objective of travelling halfway round the world- to spend enough time with the people I love there.

Last night’s conversation was priceless. Best I’ve had this week, and it makes me feel warm and snug knowing that the geographical distance doesn’t translate to a rift in our friendship. (:

-

my grandma bought your favourite kueh today,
no thanks I don’t like it is what I’d usually say
(even when I haven’t even given it a try) always so quick to say no way.

But perhaps its time to give it a go
Just so that I would know
Why you’ve always loved it so

Only then maybe
I’d finally be able to see
What you’ve been trying (all along) to tell me.

-

So many times I found myself clicking on the ‘compose mail’ button and stopping after the beginning hey because I don’t quite know what to say, how to say it, and it’s difficult that way, knowing that you might be mad at me (were you?). I wanted to tell you about my dreams, queer ones I’ve had in the past week, but most of all, the one with you in it: you wrote me to tell me that you were engaged in NC and I was shocked beyond words. But I was happy for you. And when I woke, I knew I’ve come to accept all that could be but never can be if you want it this way, but our friendship’s so much more than that to me, so I wish you well, and I hope you’ve been good. Would love to talk to you soon because I’ve missed hearing you, but I don’t have your new number. So if you’re reading this, do drop me a line, and we could work things out from there.

-

Yes, I’m rather fond of these mega long entries instead of the little short and frequent ones. Quite characteristic of me, that’s why work’s piled up and instead of the weekly readings I now have a huge stack of many weeks’ worth of readings to catch up on.

-

i caught a few great movies over the two weeks- transamerica was awesome, rent was really moving, and russian dolls, was thought provoking. for some reason, ever since the debate on whether homosexuals should be allowed into government positions, i've been very much more passionate about advocating equal gay rights. i was reading article 12 of Singapore's constitution, which reads "shall be no discrimnation against citizens of Singapore on the ground only of religion, race, descent or place of birth..." and my first thought was- there should be an inclusion of "sex" and "sexual orientation" in there.

-

anyway. i'll round up this post with two highlights over the past two weeks.



'traditional' post concert shot, as meiling coins it. was so much fun emceeing for the event, however bad the noah's ark jokes were. grin



one of my favourite people (at least im not putting up the picture of your favourite plate haha!) ; working hard at the broccoli



so that we could have a nice picnic like this. (: and the chicken actually tastes alot better than it looks.